no shame in being ashamed.

So I've been on a journey of self-discovery for... oh, let's not even talk about how long. Recently, though, I began to realize is that I've been seeking a specific form of resolve that doesn't really exist, because self-exploration is just that-- a journey with no true end, because we are who we are indefinitely. If we're lucky, we're also surrounded by loved ones who, for the most part, have already come to accept us as who we are right now, whether or not we've come to that discovery on our own.

The major epiphany came about a month ago--- like, "Wait! You mean people aren't going to love me more once I become the totally self-aware, present, carefree, person that I am trying so desperately to become?! What a rip off!" But then I thought about it, and I realized that the connections I have in my life with others exist because they love me exactly the way I am right now-- and there was proof! I flipped the switch and thought carefully about the people I loved, and with each one realized that the things I loved about them far outweighed their flaws, none of which were holding me back from loving them unconditionally. "Umm, hey Ego, what makes you think they feel any differently about you?," I thought to myself. I started to grasp the fact that while the people who matter in my life don't necessarily love everything little thing about me [because we're all different! which is a beautiful thing, silly!], they've found a way to love even the parts that they don't love. Lucky, right?!

But wait-- there was a catch. All that time I spent obsessing over the amount of love I receive externally got me thinking about how much of my life I have spent agonizing over how I am perceived by others. The idea of self-love was something that blew my mind, based on my constant comparison of myself to the amazing people I have been blessed to have been surrounded by for my entire life. First off, I didn't even feel like I knew who the true ME was, because I've spent so much time tweaking that person to be what I thought the people around me wanted or needed me to be. "Maybe that's who I am," I thought. "A people pleaser." And while I can't deny that that's an essential part of me, I've started to uncover that I probably know a lot more about this real self than I have been willing to admit. Once I began to dig beneath years of self-sabotage, things started to change both within and around me.

One of my most eye-opening influences in recent months has been the teachings of Brene Brown. She wrote this fabulous book [recommended to me by my dear friend, Katherine] called "The Gifts of Imperfection." Don't be thrown by the semi-cheesy cover art, this one is definitely a must-read. Brown started out as a shame researcher, and one of the biggest lessons I've learned through her work is that, as human beings, we all feel shame but are terrified to acknowledge it based on our inherent fear of failure. I was certainly a cookie-cutter example of her research, and I started to follow her suggestion of sharing my moments of shame with a close, trustworthy person in my life so that I could hear them out loud, which immediately takes away shame's undeserved power. Here's her TED Talk, which covers a lot of the content of the book:

Looking back, I realize I have given power to my shame in a lot of situations where I really had no reason to, and still do. I feel ashamed to be writing a blog, worrying that what I write won't accurately represent me. I feel ashamed to share the blog because of what people might think. I feel ashamed of my mouth sometimes, especially when it starts running off uncontrollably without much of a filter. I often feel ashamed of my behavior in social situations. I have felt ashamed of countless events in my past, of my loved ones, of my home, and many other things that, in actuality, I truly and deeply love. So there you have it, out in the open, spoken [well, written] and acknowledged and accepted as a part of me that I will learn to love just as much as the parts of me that make me so proud that I want to shout from the rooftops. I think that's it, kids. A willingness to be vulnerable, and loving every little part of ourselves exactly as we are right now. THIS is the ticket to showering others with love and acceptance [something I have always strived to do], instead of going out of our way to prove our love for others with the goal of validating an untruthful part of ourselves.

I am still working on turning off that voice inside my head that is chugging away like a freight train 24/7, but the bigger point is having realized that I no longer have to work on it. I no longer have to "work" on any part of myself. By living presently and cultivating self-love [which, as I mentioned, is still an uphill climb], there is no more work, there is only the acceptance of now [and yes, I did also just finish "The Power of Now" in case you're thinking this sounds familiar].  I am love, you are love, and the people who love us will love us no matter what, because despite our imperfections, they already do. And we deserve it!

xxo.